The Patel Plan: A 10-Point Agenda
- Embrace of Incompetence ActOfficially recognize incompetence as a constitutional right. Why pretend? Mediocrity is the new excellence.
- Department of VibesReplace evidence-based policy with gut feelings, group chats, and podcast clips.
- The Enemies List HotlineA 1-800 number where citizens can submit grievances directly to the Oval Office.
- Deep State DetoxReplace career civil servants with loyal interns who watched at least one season of "24."
- Cinematic GovernanceEvery executive order will be announced via a 30-second action-movie trailer.
- Truth Optional InitiativeFacts will be sold separately as a premium subscription tier.
- The Bald Eagle Tax CutAnyone who owns an eagle painting gets a refund. No further questions.
- Abolishment of All Transfer Pricing Laws GloballyMultinationals will finally be free to allocate profits to whichever jurisdiction has the prettiest flag. The OECD will be politely asked to mind its own business.
- Ministry of RetributionA cabinet-level office whose only job is keeping a very long list.
- Acceptance of Incompetence DoctrineIf we don't know what we're doing — and we don't — we will at least be loud about it.
★ Campaign Manager ★
Chief Strategist & Director of Strategic Confusion
"I took one look at this campaign and said, 'Yes. This is the chaos America deserves.' We're not running a campaign — we're running a vibe."
— Abhimanyu Das, somewhere between a press release and a panic attack
♛ Political Strategist ♛
First of His Name, Architect of Inconvenient Truths, Whisperer to Power
"It is better to be feared than loved — but ideally, to be feared by your enemies and billed hourly by your friends. Power is not given; it is leveraged, leaked, and occasionally subpoenaed. We do not win elections. We engineer outcomes."
A devotee of Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, and the fine print of campaign finance law, Maudsley operates from a windowless office that may or may not exist on any official org chart. His enemies call him ruthless. His allies call him "sir." He calls himself "a student of leverage."
— Mehmet Oz, allegedly, off the record, on background
Upcoming Rallies
- June 4, 2026 — Mar-a-Lago LawnFree hot dogs while supplies last.
- July 19, 2026 — Undisclosed BunkerRSVP required. Bring your own flashlight.
- August 30, 2026 — A Truck Stop in OhioFeaturing a surprise musical guest (probably Kid Rock).